Since I was a young child I have felt an affiliation with Native American people and history. Their horses, their names, their clothes and their spirituality always enthralled me. I dreamt in their languages and would draw warriors with their horses regularly. I would also repeatedly study any films or programs that depicted them in a good light, including The Lone Ranger and Dances with Wolves. At the age of sixteen I decided to confess the obsession to my father. He was reading a newspaper on the family couch and as I spoke he did not look up. “Dad, I think I was a Native American in a past life.” And instead of frowning or ridiculing me, he simply said “I know you were.” I had not remembered but apparently when I was living in Glastonbury we visited several past-life researchers. They had all said that I was a Native American in past lives. In fact, I had many incarnations as a Native American.
They have said various things to embellish the tales of my soul’s history. For example, a medium said that when I was a Sioux male I was a very dangerous, warrior type and that my wife was alive now and that I would know her when I met her. A few weeks after the announcement when I was back at Liverpool University a new girl came to my lecture. She had red tights and came to class slightly late so sat opposite me near to the door. When she walked into the room I heard a voice say “that’s her!”.
When I confronted her and asked her the details of how she came to be in my class I found out that not only was she a singer when I was a guitarist looking to be in a band, but that she was also psychic and guessed that we were “sisters or something”. The medium’s account of my previous incarnation with this soul involved us being a Native American married couple and so the intuition proved startlingly accurate in some ways.
On the first meeting I asked if she played anything. She said “I sing, that’s what I do” in the most confident way, and I replied “I play guitar. That’s what I do.” We arranged to play together. She took my number.
At the time I was at Liverpool University and studying for my BA. I had wanted to find a band there. Since the age of sixteen I had been sure that I would become a rock star, and so I chose Communications, Media and Popular Music to study. Yet I was certain I would be a star and Keith Richards was my role model. I had felt for years that I was destined to be in a band, and had written countless pop songs that I had recorded on my 8-track at my Dad’s in Cambridge. I had been published as a poet at the age of eight and then again when I was a teenager. I knew I could write songs and play guitar. The only trouble was I needed to meet the right people.
When I met Sarah-Jane, with the medium’s predictions ringing in my ear, I knew that the sense of a purpose to my life was complete. Yet in knowing that I became terrified. I refused to meet her. The idea of making a band disintegrated when I could not leave my room to play guitar with her. I confessed and she said that it was cool. She said she had always thought that she was going to be famous, too! And I felt that the whole thing revealed something so strange and wondrous that I could not speak to her properly ever again. She seemed cool about it. Yet I freaked out and then got engaged and traveled the world to avoid the situation. When that relationship came to an end I had a dream that I was on stage, and then I awoke to hear a voice saying “It was true. It’s not now.”
Years later, I met a guy who fulfilled all the details given to me about my future husband. I met him at a party and then I had that dream and had a complete nervous breakdown. A year later I saw him and kissed him. Then we arranged to meet up the next weekend and instead of kissing him I walked in and kissed a guy right in front of his face. The guy was professing his undying love for my every part, and I felt the need to reassure him so I kissed him and then all went wrong. He had to go home and pass out which caused me to kiss the initial guy again and end up in his bedroom. He was a weird person and I felt like he had not had many girls in his place.
The next day I remembered all the information that mediums provided with regards to my future husband, and every detail fitted this man. I had met him briefly after coming back from the States, then properly a year later and we had a bit of a wrestling match because I have a bit of a wild side! All of these things were true and the next stages would be a quick marriage and three children.
I cancelled meetings with him and avoided him for years. Whenever I texted him he ignored the messages and when I would see him out and about he would avoid speaking to me. Yet it all changed when I met someone else who reminded me of him, and he decided that he wanted to be with me and text me in the middle of the night! Then I broke it off with the guy who I was seeing. I started to see the husband guy and then I got drunk and called him unkind and he said he would not see me if I thought that way about him. I went on antidepressants. Then we met up several times for years. He edited my debut novel, and was really cruel to me. He took £820 and then blocked me on his e-mail when he got drunk.
It has been the worst experience of my life, or one of them, to be so aware of these things internally and to have no ability to walk the path. If you are aware of the future, you cannot live the dreams you have; instead you become aware of the deeper purpose to life. You become aware that all people are looking to love and be loved.
Musings about our purpose 